Insurance Company Celebrates 50 Billionth Fucking Over of Customer
SEPTEMBER 27, 2012 | ISSUE 48•39 | MORE NEWS
Cigna representatives greet the company’s 50 billionth fucked-over customer at his front door.
CANTON, OH—Overjoyed Cigna executives celebrated the health insurer’s 50 billionth fucking over of a customer Thursday, personally surprising 56-year-old spinal trauma victim Clyde Gershon with champagne, confetti, and hundreds of multicolored balloons as they denied his most recent disability claim.
The wheelchair-bound Gershon, who has required an expensive regimen of pills and physical therapy since a 2010 car crash, was greeted at his front door by cheering, party-hat-wearing members of Cigna’s senior management, who posed for pictures while presenting him with an oversized cardboard “Claim Denied!” letter explaining that he was judged fit to return to work and would lose all coverage at the end of the month.
“We did it! We’ve completely and utterly fucked over a customer for the 50 billionth time,” exclaimed CEO David Cordani, drawing a vibrant round of applause as Gershon, gaunt and dejected, stared blankly off into the distance. “Ruining this many lives is an accomplishment no one ever could have dreamed of back in 1982 when Cigna was founded. And today, I can proudly say we have not only achieved it, but inflicted an incalculable amount of mental anguish along the way.”
“So congratulations, Mr. Gershon, you poor son of a bitch,” he continued, raising a flute of Dom Perigno. “On behalf of myself and the rest of our 30,600 employees, I hope you find some other way to pay for your medical care, because you are now royally fucked!”
According to sources, Cigna has been preparing to commemorate the 50-billion milestone since late April, when its “Big Board”—an electronic ticker counting the number of customers the company has savagely fucked over—passed 49,500,000,000 after the insurer postponed coverage of an unemployed father’s kidney transplant for the fourth time, forcing his family to accumulate mounds and mounds of debt to pay for dialysis.
Excitement continued to grow throughout the summer as eager employees began refusing claims for procedures the company had previously covered by saying that they “hadn’t been coded right,” which accelerated its march towards 50 billion by an additional 200,000 fucking-overs per day.
“In my 13 years helping this company prevent sick people from getting the health care they need, there has never been a more exciting—or lucrative—time to work here,” said Cigna’s executive vice president Mark Boxer, celebrating at the office with the national accounts team, which took turns swinging at a cancer-patient shaped piñata. “Under my watch, we’ve fucked so many people over that I received a 25 percent raise last year, putting my annual salary at close to $20 million dollars and really motivating me to stick it to our customers like never before.”
By the 49,975,000,000 mark, a party atmosphere reportedly began to engulf Cigna’s Bloomfield, CT headquarters. Claims processors would reportedly fuck patients over first by waiting weeks to pay their medical providers, and then by sending them the wrong amount. Gleeful telephone operators fucked over customers by openly hanging up on the ones who had called to protest being fucked over.
In the days leading up to 50,000,000,000, sources said, customers were getting a “full fucking over from every direction.”
“Once we got within striking distance of 50 [billion], we thought, wouldn’t it be cool if we made the big one an event? You know, really fuck over some pitiful fuck in true theatrical fashion,” CFO Ralph Nicoletti said. “And since we keep such detailed records of exactly whom we fuck over and how, it was easy to locate Mr. Gershon and really make sure we devastated him in a way that was worthy of such a momentous occasion.”
“He turned out to be the perfect choice, too, because it ends up we’ve fucked him and his family over thousands of times before,” he continued. “It’s always nice to fuck over our most loyal customers.”
Speaking to reporters on Gershon’s front yard, Nicoletti reiterated that despite reaching the long sought-after goal of 50 billion, the company was still as committed as ever to fucking more and more people over.
“We’re not going to stop fucking people over any time soon,” said Nicoletti, adding that he hoped to get to 75 billion by the holidays, which he described as truly the most fun and fulfilling time to fuck somebody over. “It just goes back to the promise we make to every one of our customers: You turn to Cigna for protection in times of ill health, and we’ll be there to totally fuck you over.”